i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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