I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Randomize
