Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
