Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
