The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
