Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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