If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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