i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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