WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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