Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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