He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
