he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
