i can't believe i had my finger in that
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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