Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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