someone get that fucking seahorse.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
