If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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