dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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