Will you blow on my dice?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
