So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
