I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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