winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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