Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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