I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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