please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
