after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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