Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
