i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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