I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
