i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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