Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
