My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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