Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
