so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
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