ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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