How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
you traded sex for a burrito?
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
