took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
