I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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