just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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