Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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