Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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