Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
birth control should be required to get into college
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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