I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
