I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
