Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
