Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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