i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
