I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
