whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
