Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
