I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
