Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
