9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
