my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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