He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
