if you like me you must not know who I am
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
this hospital has no fireball
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
