I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
