if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
